I'm all alone in the house tonight. I don't know why I didn't ask anyone to stay. I'm haunted by the pain and disbelief of all the people who have hurt me so recently. It's like a developing trend. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, regardless of how guarded I may seem.
-afi
Why can't I just say, "hey, I really could use a shoulder right now?" Perhaps I'm disappointed in myself for being so sensitive? Yet then again, I've been continually betrayed by people I thought I could trust. I guess what hurts most is the realization that I should 'get used to it.'
-On Broken Wings
So here I sit, staring at this bright, white screen. It's just after midnight. I considered laying on the roof and looking at the stars. I thought maybe I'd take the dog for a walk down by the lake. I also entertained myself with the idea of eating popsicles until I couldn't move.. What I'd really like is someone to talk to. Someone to cry to.
I miss my mother.
It's nice that my dog can recognize sadness. Somehow he thinks me scratching his butt will make me feel better. I guess it's the thought that counts..
tap tap tap. I really should get up. Although, I have found in my long term relationship with words that if you have no one to talk to, or if you prefer no one to talk to, putting your emotions into words usually makes you feel better. And at the very least you have successfully distracted yourself for awhile.
Months back I began a story of a zombie apocalypse. I didn't finish it. Then I created a story of vampiric romance. I didn't finish it. I decided recently to write a book about my life. I won't start it because I know there's a good chance I won't finish it.
I once considered myself a morbid person. Dark, depressed, misunderstood. Well, when the sun finally rose on my life, it became clear that I wasn't nearly as dark as I once thought. I can see myself wandering carelessly through fields of sunflowers, under the sunshine and a gentle breeze.
but as for tonight, i'm just a twenty something year old young woman, still in the prime of her life, who just needs to get it out. after all, i did just get out of an emotionally abusive relationship only to find the untimely departure of my "best friend," and straight into the abandonment of a ten year old friend, dumping his financial crisis into my lap. my work life is not sufficiently carrying me and I have more bills than I can shake a large stick at. decisions need to come quickly and carefully. I'd really like a beer but I'm pretty sure in conjunction with thera-flu, i'll be talking to the house plants in no time.. truthfully i'd like to go outside and scream murder into the heavens, but i'm certain i'd bust a capillary.
I don't like to make an agreement with somebody and before you can even exhale they've tossed it out the window.
I just don't feel like I can trust anyone or anything anymore. lately<<
I feel like i'm lost in my own mind. for a minute there I was stable, happy,
and reassured. now i'm being screwed more times than a city hooker.
"I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if i'll drown. I hope that you see right through my walls. I hope that you catch me, cause I'm already falling."
I truly believe it is healthy to just.. get sad sometimes. Not all the time.. but sometimes I like to just let myself get really low. there is always a good high soon after. perhaps it IS good that I'm alone tonight. maybe it's good I took an opportunity to let it all out while i sink inside myself... but actually, I'd rather have a shoulder to lay my head on.
-aliciabeth
