there is poetry in despair.

tonight is not a good night. I feel as mentally sick as I do physically.

I'm all alone in the house tonight. I don't know why I didn't ask anyone to stay. I'm haunted by the pain and disbelief of all the people who have hurt me so recently. It's like a developing trend. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, regardless of how guarded I may seem.

"I'd share with you could I only speak, just how much this hurts me."
-afi

Why can't I just say, "hey, I really could use a shoulder right now?" Perhaps I'm disappointed in myself for being so sensitive? Yet then again, I've been continually betrayed by people I thought I could trust. I guess what hurts most is the realization that I should 'get used to it.'

"The door slams hard like realization."
-On Broken Wings

So here I sit, staring at this bright, white screen. It's just after midnight. I considered laying on the roof and looking at the stars. I thought maybe I'd take the dog for a walk down by the lake. I also entertained myself with the idea of eating popsicles until I couldn't move.. What I'd really like is someone to talk to. Someone to cry to.

I miss my mother.

It's nice that my dog can recognize sadness. Somehow he thinks me scratching his butt will make me feel better. I guess it's the thought that counts..


tap tap tap. I really should get up. Although, I have found in my long term relationship with words that if you have no one to talk to, or if you prefer no one to talk to, putting your emotions into words usually makes you feel better. And at the very least you have successfully distracted yourself for awhile.

Months back I began a story of a zombie apocalypse. I didn't finish it. Then I created a story of vampiric romance. I didn't finish it. I decided recently to write a book about my life. I won't start it because I know there's a good chance I won't finish it.

I once considered myself a morbid person. Dark, depressed, misunderstood. Well, when the sun finally rose on my life, it became clear that I wasn't nearly as dark as I once thought. I can see myself wandering carelessly through fields of sunflowers, under the sunshine and a gentle breeze.

this too shall pass.


but as for tonight, i'm just a twenty something year old young woman, still in the prime of her life, who just needs to get it out. after all, i did just get out of an emotionally abusive relationship only to find the untimely departure of my "best friend," and straight into the abandonment of a ten year old friend, dumping his financial crisis into my lap. my work life is not sufficiently carrying me and I have more bills than I can shake a large stick at. decisions need to come quickly and carefully. I'd really like a beer but I'm pretty sure in conjunction with thera-flu, i'll be talking to the house plants in no time.. truthfully i'd like to go outside and scream murder into the heavens, but i'm certain i'd bust a capillary.

I don't like to make an agreement with somebody and before you can even exhale they've tossed it out the window.

I just don't feel like I can trust anyone or anything anymore.  lately<<
I feel like i'm lost in my own mind. for a minute there I was stable, happy,
and reassured. now i'm being screwed more times than a city hooker.

"I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if i'll drown. I hope that you see right through my walls. I hope that you catch me, cause I'm already falling."

I truly believe it is healthy to just.. get sad sometimes. Not all the time.. but sometimes I like to just let myself get really low. there is always a good high soon after. perhaps it IS good that I'm alone tonight. maybe it's good I took an opportunity to let it all out while i sink inside myself... but actually, I'd rather have a shoulder to lay my head on.

-aliciabeth

your perfection is perfectly clear to me.


it's feels nice to cut the last tie that I have to yesterday. because today, tomorrow and next week are looking pretty sweet.


i should have stayed..

When it comes to money it's only from one extreme to the next. I'll either pinch every penny I have because I'm convinced that if I don't I will suffer some horrible, financial crisis.. Or instead of paying bills I go get something pierced.

Incubus is playing in VA Beach mid September and i'm going to try to make that show. It will still be nice outside and everything is cheaper off-season. I'm thinking surfing, seafood and a drunken delight of a concert. God knows I'm dying to get to the beach this year and this may be the best excuse yet. Plenty of time to save up some cash so I can have a bangin two days.

Andrew is asleep upstairs and I really want to be next to him but insomnia lately keeps me awake.

Screw it. Tomorrow I'm getting an industrial piercing. Why? Because that's what us badass girls and boys do.

Feeling anxious and angry lately. Even though I attribute these negativities to hormonal imbalance.. Tomorrow I'll pick up where I left off in the Bible. Speaking of the good book, you can choose to ask questions forever. Questioning, reasoning, "logic." What's logic? Running in a wheel searching for a reason to believe or proof that God exists? Or just finding faith and letting that one and only being make everything better? You can keep your questions. I'll keep my content.

God doesn't create the disasters this world faces. Poverty, war, death, destruction> these are manmade problems. God gave us life and this world. With such a gift I would think there would come some desire to care for it. If a girl's grandmother gives her a gorgeous snow globe, no matter how fragile or resilient.. If she drops it and breaks it out of carelessness, should she blame the grandmother? No. God did his part and it is pure ignorance to assume it is his fault for the problems we inflict on ourselves on this planet. When we're given something valuable we should handle it with care.

Sleep.

what am i DOING?

dance of the manatee.

We marys had ourselves a ball,
Oh, yes we did,
We marys had ourselves a ball,
I must admit,

Hang us those limbs, hold no virtue,
Those told to hold: Project on my cue,

Until we fall.

(addicted to this song. )

FEELING PRETTY restless lately. unless we're together. i need to practice amusing myself in solidarity. i used to be really good at that..

"you don't look a day over fast cars and freedom." 


i just came to say, "hello."

oh oh oh. 

i wish someone could make up my mind. only one thing i know for certain. but love doesn't pay the bills. what do i want to do? who do i want to be? 

bon iver and st. vincent- roslyn

everything reminds me of you.   

 

arms.

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home. -christina perri

I'm so in love with you.

literally. bullshit.

text me at 12:30 in the morning, while you're drunk, to rant absurdities? I dislike everything about you. The small ounce of sympathy I had left reminds me of stomping on a ketchup bottle and watching it squirt all over the wall. You're vile and not even worth these key strokes.

After tonight the visual legacy of Harry Potter is over. The last one. The ending. Soon after will come my HP tribute tattoo! Seems silly to some I suppose but Harry Potter has been a big part of my adult life. Call me nerdish but this interest turned obsession will always be around.

I'm happy. Thank you Jesus for everything you do for me. Thank you for giving me the strength to lay back down instead of escaping into an indulgent anger. The sleep was beautiful. Thank you for whoever canceled their ticket order last minute and allowed me two tickets to the midnight HP. Thank you for my wonderful, new boyfriend who already makes me feel, well, perfect. <3 love you drew.

-aliciabeth

today i stood in the pouring rain. my eyes rained on their own accord.

already a productive day. why is it that individuals such as myself feel so good about accomplishing acts that we realize are mundane?

i was getting gas last night when i noticed a bug on my car. i'd never seen one like it. lime green, clear wings. generally just interesting looking. so i leaned over and was staring at it, staring at me when i realized that if anyone was watching me they'd assume i was strange. but what's strange to me is that people don't have as much interest as they should in the world around us.

a productive day to most is waking up on time, heading to work, paying bills, etc etc. Productive to me could be, playing with a child, hugging a puppy, telling your family you love them and witnessing a shooting star. among everything else, faith. because that's what has led me to this point of contentment. one in which i'm content with the "real world," and god's world.

-aliciabeth

literally all I think about. sure there is work, and family, and friends, and..

well, there's just you.

of greetings. and goodbyes.

sometimes things can really catch 22 if you know what I mean.


"pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere."

happy. sad. happy. sad.


it seems to me now that with faith you can do anything. sometimes all i want is to hold my head up. perhaps if i attached a stick to the back of my neck..

i like this thing. i'm going to use it more often.

load the truck. pull out. and don't look back. 

of. greetings. and. goodbyes. 

benny and june

watching an old flick, thinking about some stuff. some serious, some not so.. should i have soup? what should i do with my life? am i selling myself short? when are all of these questions going to answer themselves? where is my chapstick?

might go see an old friend in richmond tomorrow. what sickens me sometimes is my desire to wonder too far from home. what am i going to miss? NOTHING.

I am going to assume that a certain soon to be ex roommate should know me well enough to know that forgiveness does not come easy to my nature. after everything we'd been through together, this is the thanks we get for allowing her a place in our home where she could be free from the restraints of "living at home." i don't know what's in her head, and i don't care.

i miss someone and what could have been. x2




-aliciabethblah

i miss you

Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in backround of the morgue
The unsespecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on ChristmasAnd in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never end

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting everytimeAnd as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head

I miss you miss you

-blink182

Wake up, open the door and escape to the sea.

got the blaqk audio cd i ordered. what's great is that i forgot i ordered it so finding it after a long, shitty day was a real treat.
Some lyrics that are circulating-
hey boy I really wanna see if you can go downtown with a girl like me
hey boy, I really wanna be with you
cause your just my type
ooh na na na na
I need a boy to take it over. 

massive stomach ache. this is what happens when u don't eat meat for so long and then binge on arbys. yuck.

do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress?

"do you know why they call me hatter?"
"because you wear a hat?"
(akward silence) "..No."

it's a practice.

last night i had a lucid dream. i was at some type of icecream shop, so i did what i've always wanted to do and stuck my mouth under the chocolate icecream lever. best dream in awhile.

rantings and ravings of a 20-something SWF

the preview of the new movie The Roomate looks really good, although it looks remarkably like the old flic Single White Female.

Off tomorrow- gonna sleep in. I don't have any plans now. And on that note-

it gets annoying when someone you're close to, a friend, develops a habit to only call or text you when things are really bad or when they're really good. I have a friend that will literally only call me when something is a disaster. Lately this other friend only communicates with me when it's good for her. I'm sure it's just a phase.

I remember this one time in like, 6th grade we had to write a book and create a cover for it out of cardboard and fabric. I wrote a love story with a tragic ending. My teacher asked me to stay after class one day. Assuming the worst I was surprised when she took me aside to speak to another teacher. The other teacher had tears in her eyes and my book in her hand. She asked if I would write for the school newspaper when I was older. I never did, but I'd give anything to still have that book.

Popcorn bitches.

-aliciabeth

obsessed

Oh, you look so tired
Mouth slack and wide
Ill-housed and ill-advised
Your face is as mean
As your life has been, so

Crash into my arms
I want you
You don't agree
But you don't refuse
I know you

And I know a place
Where no one is likely to pass
You don't care if it's late
And, you don't care if you're lost

And oh, you look so tired
But tonight you presume too much
Too much, too much
And if it's the last thing I ever do
I'm gonna get you

Crash into my arms
I want you
You don't agree
But you don't refuse
I know you
afi-jack the ripper